Head of Quality Control, Good 4 Guns
People ask us what Oliver does all day. The short answer is: everything important. The long answer is below.
8:30 AM — The Commute
Oliver’s day starts with a truck ride. Windows down if the weather allows it, head out if we’re not paying attention. He rides to work the same way every day — like someone who genuinely loves their job, which, to be fair, he does. His job is being Oliver in a building full of people who want to pet him. It’s a good gig.
10:00 AM — Opening Shift
The moment the door opens, Oliver is on the clock. Every customer gets a greeting. Every single one. He does not care if you’re here to buy ammo or ask for directions. You walked in. That makes you his favorite person alive. He will remain your favorite person’s favorite dog until you leave or stop petting him, whichever comes last.
A note on the petting policy: Oliver has a strict rule. You give the pets or you get the toots. That’s not a threat. It’s a biological fact. If Oliver feels he is not receiving adequate attention from a nearby human, he will nervous toot on the floor. Loudly. In front of everyone. We’ve tried to train this out of him. We cannot. The pets are not optional.
10:30 AM — Shipment Inspection
When the delivery trucks arrive, Oliver transitions from greeter to quality control. He takes this part very seriously. Every box gets a sniff. High-priority shipments get the full treatment — circling, nose-pressing, the attempted sit. If you’ve read his box reviews, you know the process.
He also has an ongoing situation with the FedEx truck. Specifically, he would like to get in it. He has attempted to board the FedEx truck on multiple occasions, and while we’d love to say it’s because he’s passionate about logistics, we’re fairly certain he’s after the driver’s lunch. We discourage this. It makes him chonky.
11:30 AM — Executive Nap (First Shift)
Once the morning rush settles and the shipments are inspected, Oliver retires to the CMO’s couch for his first executive nap. This is non-negotiable. The couch is his. We just work here.
During this phase, his little bunny feet kick and twitch, which means he’s chasing something in his sleep. Probably a rat. He hates rats. He also hates armadillos, but we don’t think he dreams about those. The rat thing is personal.
12:30 PM — Lunch Break
Oliver goes home for lunch and a walk. This is the only part of his day that happens off-site, and he treats it with the urgency of a man who has been away from his food bowl for four entire hours. The walk is brisk. The lunch is inhaled. Then it’s back to the store, because Oliver does not believe in long lunches.
1:30 PM — Afternoon Operations
The afternoon shift is where Oliver really shows his range. He rotates between couch napping, floor napping, belly-up floor napping, and the occasional strategic repositioning to be closer to whoever is eating something.
Sometimes a customer comes in who hasn’t been properly briefed on the petting policy. Oliver handles this with grace and gas. See above.
5:45 PM — The Countdown
At exactly 5:45 PM, Oliver begins his closing argument for dinner. He knows quittin’ time isn’t until after 6. He respects this. But he also wants you to know that he’s aware of the time. He will sit near his bowl. He will look at you. He will look at the clock. He will look at you again. He will pretend to gag on your feet. We don’t know where he learned this, but there it is nonetheless. He’s patient, but he’s not subtle.
Once we lock up, he’s out the door and into the truck, ready to go home for noms, a good couch session, and the kind of sleep that only comes from a full day of doing absolutely everything that matters.
Want to meet Oliver in person? Stop by Good 4 Guns in Van Alstyne. He’ll be at the door. Bring pets. You’ve been warned.
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